I cried today and such. In front of my friends, which I didn't mean to do because I am NOT an attention whore. But I couldn't tell them whats wrong because there are so MAAAAANY things all put together that it would become a large rant that none of my friends would care to even listen about.

I doubt weather even my truest friends would want to listen to me complain about everything and when they give me advice, I tell them it won't work. Because I don't wanna be interrupted with thoughtless advice. I don't wanna be told that my troubles aren't so bad because 'this is how you can fix it'. I don't want pity, but I want silence and understanding.

No one gives it to me. I CAN'T FUCKING CRY WITHOUT SOMEONE MAKING A FUCKING JOKE ABOUT IT.

I'm alone.

I find my life to be a waste of time, as I am growing up and realizing the many things I can do but can't because of many obstacles in my life.

I give up on myself way too much and don't have the mental strength to make myself rise above it.

I am unsatisfied with everyone right now. I feel a great deal of my friends (Save for a few, KATIE, KENNY and others know who they are) are pointless people, depthless people, hopeless people.

I am unsatisfied with my art.

I am unsatisfied with myself.


What can I do? I sleep so much these days! I look forward to naps and bed, only so that I can rest and pretend I don't go to school or so that I can think without worry for a good 6 hours.
There is nothing for me now but false happiness.
For my friends who read this, my happiness is a facade! I swear it to you, it is the falsest thing I have ever put on. It is only a lie, and a lie only!
You have to believe me when I say my smiles and hyper activity is for you all ONLY. I don't want you to worry about me, and so I do declare that it is fake.

F

A

K

E

.

If you are still reading, thank you.
I don't want this stuff. I don't want funny, I don't want jokes at this time. I don't want satire, comedy, slapstick or comic genious to come out of anyone's mouth for the rest of the week around me.

I'd like to have the time to analyze my feelings without having to be interrupted and forced to laugh for all of your sakes.
I'm sorry, I'll try and get over this as quick as possible. Or will I? It's always been about my friends. Can't it be about MEE? For once??

Not to sounds self centered, but I'd like some time to think. I would. I am not angry at all my friends in person, but please understand I am easily angered and will not--WILL NOT--keep myself from crying in front of you and being raging mad.

I am sorry for complaining. But if you are my friend, you'd read this and understand.